“I'd say, see you next time, if I thought there were a next time. Easy conversation, ain't exactly where we're at. It's so strange, deciding, how I feel about you; It ain't like I ain't used to going on without you.”- Mac DeMarco
It’s been a hectic two weeks, which is why I didn’t get the opportunity to post last week. I was busy finishing up packing, saying goodbye to people and dealing with last minute things before the big move. I spent my last days with Abhi, and finally said goodbye to him and our relationship.
On Tuesday, we finally arrived to Wichita and I got to meet the new city and apartment that will soon be my new home. On Friday, my mom threw a party for Charito’s second birthday and for my graduation, as a surprise. These past few days, we’ve been seeing new places in Mexico. It’s all very exciting...but I don’t feel completely satisfied.
The whole time I was in therapy, we worked on rebuilding myself so as to not become dependent on someone else for my happiness. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of that while being as confident as I have ever been, despite not being at my ideal weight. I feel genuinely happy. But there is a part of me that is scared that I made a mistake in leaving Abhi.
I came to the decision of the break-up because I didn’t want to be in a long-distance relationship ever again. I didn’t want to wait up for calls or feel lonely and like I’m missing something all the time. Traveling to see each other often is not as feasible because of the cost and time. What if he got bored of our phone calls? He should have the opportunity to date other people and not feel tied to his phone all the time to feel only a fraction of my presence with him. But is that my own decision to make? Am I being selfish? Isn’t this relationship worth a shot?
I felt that keeping the original plan of breaking up when I moved was better than trying to keep the relationship alive for a few more months and having it turn sour with us possibly not being content with it. I wanted to save the friendship of someone so important to me, but we haven’t talked much lately and I feel as though this friendship is already lost.
I guess I just keep trying to justify the break-up. I keep trying to tell myself that this is what was needed to be done, just like we agreed when we decided to enter the relationship. But… I love him. I have never had to leave someone that I love, that also loves me. This was possibly the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I’m scared that I might end up regretting the decision.
I thought maybe we could take this time to grow as individuals, focus on our studies, and maybe one day get back together or remain good friends. I’m open to it, just like I want to be open to new opportunities. For now, I have to keep fighting the urge to talk to him all the time and keep him. He’s not for me, at least not for now-- who knows maybe not even ever. We’re really young, we have our whole lives ahead of us and now is the time to discover what we really want out of this life and future partners. We knew this would happen since we began dating, and these hurt feelings will pass...right?