As I begin to pack all of my things and prepare to move, I have found a lot of useless toys and trinkets that I have kept from my past; this is partially because I’m a hoarder, and partially because I’m a record-keeper. It used to be so important for me to keep every little thing because it helped me remember certain times. But as I challenge my hoarder tendencies and let go of these small things I don’t need, I feel a little more free each time-- a little lighter in a sense.
I haven’t been feeling very well emotionally or physically over the past week, so I’ve been packing a little bit here and there. I’m getting rid of a lot of stuff that had just become clutter and it feels really good, surprisingly.
At first, I just thought that I was getting rid of my wedding stuff, but it’s been more than that. It’s getting rid of gifts, letters, and anything that could possibly remind me of that relationship. It’s also getting rid of old toys that no longer have a significance to me, jewelry, knick-knacks… and books I’ll never read.
I’m kind of weird. The way I look at the world, or my experiences, sometimes need to have a larger significance than what it actually is. What I mean by this is that the act of me packing up all my stuff, getting rid of the unnecessary, and moving to a completely different state is an act of me finally-- fully-- letting go of what has pained me over the last few years.
As much as I came to love my first apartment, it was one that I had planned to live in with my “husband”. I get to let of my first home that became stained with betrayal within a couple of months of our so-called “marriage,” which is perhaps the number 1 thing I am the most grateful for, because fuck that!!
I get to let go of the toys and junk from my childhood that didn’t have much significance, but that instead remind me of the lies and secrets that were kept from me while I was growing up. I get to let go of the infinitely happy memories of my childhood, and not replace them with the truth, but rather set the truth side by side to them and not forget how fortunate I was to have lived the life I did.
I get to let go of the books I will never read but that I told myself I would. They were stories that seemed interesting at the time that I acquired them, but no longer do. Stories like those relating to Alice in Wonderland, The Nanny Diaries, or the fact that I used to want to have children and now I can’t bear the thought. I get to let go of the things that made me unhappy, or that I was conditioned to believing.
But leaving this place also means letting go of an incredible person that I have fallen in love with. It means cutting that story short.
On Tuesday, Wild Nothing released a new song called “Letting Go,” and I am really grateful for the timing because it has helped me to continue staying positive about this move and hope for the best. Hopefully all these mixed emotions go away soon. For now I should get back to work, and make sure not to let go of all the successes and happy moments that I have shared with important people, because those will always outweigh the bad.