“The end for me will be the beginning of my story. To live again is such a strange high. Let nothing pass me like before. New love, new dreams to make. How will I ever stay awake? There’s something in me worth fighting for.” - Sun City
After being on the negative side on this blog and in real life (at times), I thought I’d switch it up and share about some positives. After hearing the news from two weeks ago, I tagged along with a couple of friends (okay best friend Becca and her fiance, because she will kill me if she reads this and is not referred to that lol). Anyway, I drove for about three hours towards Chicago to visit my sister in Lake Villa. BFF Jackie cut my hair short and dyed it for the first time. I went shopping, got the cutest outfit ever, got myself a cinnabon, and had a long island while watching Incredibles 2. After spending some quality time with family and friends, it’s like I was cured and back to normal.
Self care at its finest, if you ask me.
Over the past two weeks I have tried to make the most of my last days in Monmouth and have been visiting with Gilma, and really bonding with Camila. I had also been practicing driving intensely and finally was able to get over that fear. On Tuesday, we went to the DMV, and I was super confident in my driving, but automatically failed the test because I backed out terribly and stepped on the grass. I went back on Thursday and almost passed the test but my turns still weren’t very good so I lost too many points. Then on Friday, Sarah helped me practice in her smaller car and I got the hang of it. Then I finally passed the test and got my license!
I know it may seem like something that is not very hard or something that I should have been able to do since I was a teenager, but it was truly very hard for me. I had crashed a couple of cars before and almost got into a major accident on the highway. There was a time where I couldn’t imagine myself driving without going into a panic or inducing a lot of anxiety.
Deep breathing, random spasms of terror, and desensitizing by driving on major streets really helped get over it. I sometimes tried comparing the amount of difficulty that I was experiencing in this situation to other experiences in my life that were hard to get through, and I couldn’t think of any. Yep, that’s how hard this seemed to be.
But I told myself that if I could pass that test, get my license, and be a good driver, then I can truly do anything. In retrospect, I think my mind has downplayed the amount of growth and strength that I have had to put together to get through the past year. Yes, I am human and I hit rock bottom too many times in the process, but here I am today, sober, with a college degree, trying to be healthier, and the happiest I have been in a really long time.
I am so antsy to get out of Monmouth and move to a whole new place because I know that so many more good (and bad, because life) things await me. All I need to remember is that I have made it through so many difficult things and got them out of the way.
I am so thankful and sad to let go of 2 people who helped me through so much this year: Abhi, and Tom, my counselor. I will miss you both and thank you for all of your kindness.