“I had a feeling that I belonged. And I had a feeling I could be someone.” - Tracy Chapman
Now I’m finally in my new home. My last few days in Mexico were mainly comprised of staying at home and mentally preparing myself for my new life. I left a couple days later than expected, which caused a bit of tension between my dad and I; it always seems to happen after we’ve spent too much time together.
The trip wasn’t too long, but it did suck that it was longer than it needed to be. I travelled by bus and the route that this bus took was different than the routes that we usually take to get to the border. We passed by states in Mexico that I had never been in, and suddenly I was in Chihuahua. Because of the trauma that the person that I married had caused me, I felt very anxious knowing I was so close to his birthplace and the hometown to relatives of his that I met, that accepted me, and who so easily threw me away just like he did. I felt so uneasy because I felt like I was close to him… like he could get to me again. I didn’t want to, but I started to remember how I felt that terrible day when I begged him to stay. Thankfully he didn’t.
When I crossed the border, it was weird because the officer didn’t seem to believe I was me. I could tell it was because I look younger than I am. I told him I just moved to Wichita for grad school and he didn’t seem to understand me. He kept looking at my face and back at my passport, and finally covered up my passport and asked what my birth date was. I was visibly nervous, maybe that was it too.
The rest of the day was spent in El Paso, Texas, and for those of you who don’t know, I absolutely hate Texas. Sometimes I feel like I know why I dislike it so much, but other times I wonder if I really know. I feel like it’s because of the bad memories I have from the six months I lived there, or perhaps because it is so hot in the summer. I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I feel like I should still hate it lol.
Anyway, I got here safely and tired.
I ordered chinese takeout for the first time and started decorating my apartment. Keeping myself busy will help me to not feel as lonely anymore. I became used to spending a lot of time alone and enjoying it, but I guess it was different when I knew I had friends on the college campus I could run to whenever.
Well, here goes… my new life… one that I earned and worked hard for… let’s see what you have in store for me, life.