“You’re alright where you are, being no one, going nowhere.”- STRFKR
It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post because a lot has happened. I was able to work on maintaining a close friendship with Abhi, got to visit what was once my favorite place in the world, and best of all, I have finally (hopefully) recovered from a long lasting marathon of being sick.
Unfortunately, it seems that for the majority of my time visiting Mexico, I have been sick. It started out as dehydration, then it turned to an upset stomach, fatigue, recovery, food poisoning, dehydration again, fever, fever, and fever for days. I think now I am finally at a good point where I might be fully hydrated… hopefully.
Other than that, I am very grateful for the short but overall quality time that I have been able to spend with my family. This time around, I have also learned how different I see the world. I’m such a different person to who I used to be, but when I come home, it’s like not much has changed. The biggest difference I’ve seen is the way my sisters have begun to see me and how much of an impact I actually have on them.
I came back home more positive about life and confident in who I am. As I leave, I’m again questioning my purpose. I know for a fact that I am on the right path career-wise… but what about physically? Mentally? Spiritually?
I had all these plans and aspirations to travel to a new place every year, but in getting sick almost every day, I started to ask myself...will my body be okay to travel? Have I really been taking care of myself as well as I’ve convinced myself that I have? The answer is no. Although I may not look like it, I have been struggling with a bit of an eating disorder since all of the incidents of last fall. Last week I was in the place I used to love so much and couldn’t enjoy it as much as I would like to, because I wasn’t strong enough. I felt more inspired to get to know more places, but I have to try much harder to take care of myself so I can actually have the opportunity to do so.
Mentally, I realized that I still have some trauma from those same incidents. I made the decision to quit therapy for a while and attempt to live my life like a normal person and try not to rely too much on medicine. In taking the medicine “as needed,” I have had some bad days emotionally. I had forgotten how it felt to spend a day feeling you’re on the edge of having a panic attack or feeling the need to cry out of nowhere. I have to work three times as hard if I want to continue having the positive mindset that I have been working towards, and that I thought I had genuinely achieved.
Spiritually, I think I might actually be starting to open up to the idea of returning to my faith again. I went to church last night for the first time in months and felt a little spark that almost brought me to tears. A spark that is reigniting the love between my guide and I. I thought about how my relationship with God over the years and how it flourished, evolved and eventually disappeared.
I think I’m ready to return home.